My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
