Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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