Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
