drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
