Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
