Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Mom said you looked used
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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