How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
