Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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