I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
