the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
