Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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