K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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