the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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