I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
