im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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