If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
