I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
