The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
