Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
