If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
