you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
