My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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