My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
