Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
