Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
