They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
