Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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