three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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