I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
