I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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