I can text with my tongue
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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