Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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