You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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