i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
