My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
