I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
