i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
