oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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