I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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