I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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