im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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