I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
