Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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