Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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