My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
