It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
