I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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