cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
