Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
