last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
