i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
