cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
